So...... I can't find the words to explain how I am feeling today, but my husband managed to sum everything up perfectly on an online forum for pet cancer. I have placed his words below. It is long, and I apologize for that, but you really should read all of it.

6982.1
Hi everybody. This is going to be long, but it is something I have to get out of my system this morning.
I had posted earlier about my 2 year old golden that I had been diagnosed with leukemia and what to expect in the coming days and what there can be done to cure it.
He had been sick now for about 6 weeks and I had not got the word that it was leukemia until last Thursday. He was just thought to have a sever infection that was healing well, but not well enough.
Since last Friday he has been extremely lethargic with his energy level dropping day by day it seems. By Wed night, I would let him outside, he would do his thing and then just wanted to lay on the patio in the back yard. I actually had to carry him into the house because he was weak and did not want to come in.
So I talked to my Onco Wed night and he had me check his temp (101.5) and I told him that Cody was breathing heavy and that I wanted him to be checked again on Thursday. So an appointment was made for yesterday at 2.
I was going to go and look at a job I am bidding and on my way to this job site I had this urge to go home and take a pain pill as my knee was all of a sudden hurting pretty bad. So I swung into the house, let the dog out, took my pain pill and when I let the dog back in he just had this sad look to his face. I laid on the floor with him for about 10 min just petting him and trying to get him to calm down as he seemed to be more nervous that usual, so I reassured him that when I got back we would be going to the vet and see what is going on.
My father has came over every day since we got him to let him out at noon. He can make it all day without being let out fine, but that is just something that my father enjoyed doing. They had their ritual. I called my father and said don’t worry about letting the dog out as I would be home early in the afternoon to go to the vet.
So I go out and do my jobsite walk through and figured what the heck I still have some time to kill so rather than go back to the office and then back home I would just swing back home and waste some time before we had to go to the vet.
Now before I had left Cody was laying underneath the table (his favorite spot) and when I opened up the door there he was laying on his dog bed with no life left in him, he had passed on sometime in the hour and a half I was gone. Cancer had finally got the best of him. He was a month away from his 2nd birthday. It looked like he just curled up on his bed and went to sleep. He looked at peace finally, no more sad look, no look as if he was just drained.
I lost it. I called my wife and said you need to get home NOW. Then I called my parents and said you have to come over here Cody has passed on.
I stood outside just crying my eyes out thinking this is not fair, he is too young to die. I had a rush of emotions going through my head such as what could I have done different, why did I not ask to check for cancer earlier, I felt as if I had let my buddy down.
Now I am not a religious person by any means. Me and the man up there have our own agreement between us and I remembered the night before having my chat with God saying that if Cody is getting as bad as it seems, please take him at home and not make me have to decide whether or not to put him down. Well I got my wish and for a moment I seemed to be at peace with the situation.
My parents finally got there and my father gave me a hug and told me he loved me for the first time since my wedding day 3 years ago. He was trying to hold back the tears and the pain also and he seemed to be the “Rock” at that moment, strong and reasonable.
My wife finally got home and she just ran into the house crying out why, why, why and she embraced Cody and laid on the floor with his peaceful body for what seemed like forever. After letting my wife have some time alone, I could finally go into the house and do the same. I could not bring myself to go back into the house until my wife was there with me.
After about 20 minutes of laying on the floor and just holding Cody, we went outside to think about what to do next and clear our heads a little and my father asked me what I wanted to do with his body. He said “I am not going to tell you what to do, but I would like to see him cremated and then you can have him with you again in spirit.” We both agreed on this and my father said he would bring Cody to the vet and have everything taken care of. I told my wife to go in and say her final goodbyes. Before we took him to the truck my wife said wait a minute. She went and got his favorite toy, a stuffed cow that was missing the stuffing, head and squeaker. I grabbed a tennis ball and a chew bone and set it between his paws. We both agreed that he needed to have his favorite toys with him for his journey into the afterlife.
We brought him to the truck and Dad said Cody is going to ride in the front seat, as he LOVED car rides. After we set him in there on he just looked like he was riding in the car taking a nap. My father left and made his way to the vet’s office which is an hour away. I called down to the vets office to let them know what was going on and thanked them for all they had done up to this point and that I appreciated all the compassion and caring they had shown my dog. They had seen him from the day that we got him, until his now final day. Later on my father told me that when he got there all the vets had come out to help bring Cody in. Every one of them knew that dog, and every one of them shed a tear for him.
My wife and me were just numb by that point, we could not shed anymore tears and both of us agreed that we needed to leave and just go for a ride together. We drove around for about 3 hrs, then when we got back to town still did not want to go home yet. So we did what seemed right and went to the bar and spent time with our family and friends. So many people got us sympathy cards and flowers, as they knew how much this dog meant to us. We do not have any kids yet so Cody was our baby for the time being. It was hard to hold back the tears all night but we managed to do so for the most part.
Finally it was time to go home. Neither one of us wanted to do it, we thought hey lets just get a hotel room for the night, but we both knew we had to do it eventually and face the reality of what happened. We stood outside the door for about 10 minutes before going through the door. I opened the door and there were not 2 eyes and a wagging tail waiting for me, just my 2 cats meowing. We both lost it and stood in the dining room right where Cody had passed on and held each other.
When we finally gained our composure we went into the living room to pay some attention to the cats, as they had been ignored pretty much all day. Finally, both of us purely drained and exhausted, had to try and get some sleep.
As we laid in bed I kept looking towards the door expecting to see Cody laying there protecting the room, and he was not there. It took a long time to fall asleep last night and I did not sleep well at all. Every time I would wake up I was hoping that I was just having a bad dream and I would listen for Cody breathing….but he was not there.
My morning routine was so messed up today for me. I usually get out of bed and as soon as my feet hit the floor I have a dog looking at me as to say “Ok lets go outside now.” I still did go outside this morning and just stood out there looking off into the woods in the back yard. Finally I told myself that I have to get going and get ready for work. So it was back to the usual routine of getting ready….minus the let the dog in, give him his pills and feed him before I leave.
I just keep trying to remind myself to be thankful that he is not suffering anymore and that in the short time that we had him here, he was the best friend, comedian, play buddy and pet that one could ask for.
I am sure it will get easier with time, and someday I am going to get another golden that we can love and let into our family. My wife and I agree though that it will be sometime before that happens though. Nothing will ever replace the memories that I have of him. Up until a few weeks ago he was the happiest dog ever and it was hard to watch him go down hill so fast.
It is strange how my knee pain started as sudden as it did yesterday. It was like something was trying to tell me that I had to get home because the end was near for Cody. I am just glad that when I came home the first time yesterday I told him that I loved him before I walked out the door. It was almost like that is what he was waiting for, Dad to tell him he was loved and to see me one last time before saying “Ok I cant do this anymore.”
He will forever be remembered and loved in our hearts and memories. I know right now he is playing with my grandma, and my best friend that passed on a few years back, chewing on huge bone, or chasing his tennis ball. He is at peace now and will forever be watching over my family.